Back home

Finally home.

However feeling lost and ... 

Having spending full time at home for the past 6months, hoping to "bake" them to full-term, now going be full time home for confinement and maternity leave, without them in me.

I just realized Eben had removed the twin babies picture that I had printed (had stuck them at where I can see daily whenever I'm lying in bed)

I pitied him to have a wife that always make him sad and worried.. 

Feel sad for him, especially he had been so excited, to want to learn how to hold a newborn.

It's like the prizes are so near yet so far.

And he only managed to hold them for the last time.

Guilty towards him because I'm not able to.

He had to be strong to be there for me, to hold me and encourage me, despite him feeling the losses.

I just feel so bad, I can't give him a complete family with "live" children with us.

He will always tell me our 3 children are in heaven, we are daddy and mummy, jus that they are not here physically with us.

I know, but it's just different.

Anyway, emotions aside, a blogpost for another day.

This time instead of getting confinement lady, decide to just order confinement food (actually changed after knowing Samuel didn't manage to make it. Just don't want to have the Aunty to do again the type of confinement like last dec)

Not sure how to go ahead but time still move, days still pass by.

But memories are forever.