Lots of what-ifs and if-onlys

I never believed in looking back, since things already happened.

There's nothing one can do to turn back time.

Thus it is important to do the right thing one feel, and look forward.

But for this pregnancy, especially at the tragic ending, these two words keep floating in my mind.

If only I had some this-and-this... It won't happen

What if I don't do this-and-this, things will be better.

But such doesn't give me any answer at all, only guilt, sadness and disbelief.

I still feel it's like a dream.. A dream I hope to wake up and everything is back to normal.. Baby Sarah still in me, squirming around from time to time.

Who would have know, a week ago the u/s was still going on well, drinking down the disgusting sugared water to test for GB.

And a week later... All things took a downturn and never recovered.

Now... I'm in the midst of doing my confinement but.. With no Sarah in my hands.

No Sarah to cry and mess up my nights, no Sarah to breastfeed and feel those enforcement/latching issue.

No Sarah for me to coo her to sleep.

The baby cot is empty. My heart is empty and still bleeding.

I miss you, baby Sarah...