Thoughts
One will wonder, or rather, me wondering along with myself on this.
Pregnancy is between two, the husband and the wife.
It is meant to be a piece of good news for everyone, friends who care for us, family who love us.
However when the outcome ended up like my case, it is no longer good news.
And its become a dread, to inform people around me. And it irked me, as in, why do i have to notify them when it is not their business?
怀孕是我们两的事，怎么变成要向每一个人通知和解释呢？好无奈，好难过。
Granted i know they are concerned. but to inform them and with the news making them so sad, simply makes me feel... sad and ...
I am aware, that such news made people cry along with me (family, friends, even my HOD). That made me all the more upset.
因为我个人的事，让大家都伤心难过。
The aftermath is the worst, people wanting to come and visit me, to keep me company.
However, all i want is to be alone. Solitary is appreciated.
Not even to visit me in hospital.
Cause by coming, they will just look at me with sad teary eyes and make me want to cry yet have to try to act strong.
Yes, my mother-in-law came (of course i can't keep them out of hospital), and the moment she came, she just cry and ask me why.
If i know why, nothing would have happened right?
And she said something that is so heart-breaking... "我的孙女没有了"
I simply do not know how to react to such.
i still able to act strong in front of them. Poor Eben simply broke down when narrating to them what had happened. :(
I can't even bear to receive "Get-Well" hampers during the days I'm home, as it made me sad as well.
I just feel like I let people down that i can't keep my pregnancy.
I understand, it is people way of showing concern and care, that they are here with me (since i don't allow them to come and visit), that they are here to share the sadness and to ensure i won't fall into depression.
Friends even messaged Eben to ask him to keep me company, to make sure I don't think too extreme.
However, does they understand, Eben feel the hurt and pain as well? :(
The first week was simply horrible.
Crying, sobbing, every little small things about baby Sarah, makes me go weepy. Every thought, every picture of her ...
It is so painful that i even contemplated the thought of not being in this world.
每一样与宝宝有关的东西都会让我泪流满面，伤心欲绝。
简直就是哭到我的眼泪已不咸了。
Glad that the confinement lady slept in the nursery room, thus stopped me from going in and started the crying cycle.
Yet when Eben is home, i need to control as I don't want him to feel sad.
当然，在他睡着的时候，泪水的机器就自动启动了。
夜里也是最难熬过的。
After such, i told myself, if even i'm pregnant, i will not tell anyone, not even family.
No one except God.
In fact, to consider if I want to tell Eben as well.
Friends reading this, just read with 平常心。
These thoughts are what i have been thinking previously, not now.
So please don't go and be alarmed and called/messaged me and ask if i'm okay.
I won't say whether Im okay or not. As i myself won't know when will be considered as okay.
Can only say, time will heal (till when i won't know), but memory will stay ... forever ...
Pregnancy is between two, the husband and the wife.
It is meant to be a piece of good news for everyone, friends who care for us, family who love us.
However when the outcome ended up like my case, it is no longer good news.
And its become a dread, to inform people around me. And it irked me, as in, why do i have to notify them when it is not their business?
怀孕是我们两的事，怎么变成要向每一个人通知和解释呢？好无奈，好难过。
Granted i know they are concerned. but to inform them and with the news making them so sad, simply makes me feel... sad and ...
I am aware, that such news made people cry along with me (family, friends, even my HOD). That made me all the more upset.
因为我个人的事，让大家都伤心难过。
The aftermath is the worst, people wanting to come and visit me, to keep me company.
However, all i want is to be alone. Solitary is appreciated.
Not even to visit me in hospital.
Cause by coming, they will just look at me with sad teary eyes and make me want to cry yet have to try to act strong.
Yes, my mother-in-law came (of course i can't keep them out of hospital), and the moment she came, she just cry and ask me why.
If i know why, nothing would have happened right?
And she said something that is so heart-breaking... "我的孙女没有了"
I simply do not know how to react to such.
i still able to act strong in front of them. Poor Eben simply broke down when narrating to them what had happened. :(
I can't even bear to receive "Get-Well" hampers during the days I'm home, as it made me sad as well.
I just feel like I let people down that i can't keep my pregnancy.
I understand, it is people way of showing concern and care, that they are here with me (since i don't allow them to come and visit), that they are here to share the sadness and to ensure i won't fall into depression.
Friends even messaged Eben to ask him to keep me company, to make sure I don't think too extreme.
However, does they understand, Eben feel the hurt and pain as well? :(
The first week was simply horrible.
Crying, sobbing, every little small things about baby Sarah, makes me go weepy. Every thought, every picture of her ...
It is so painful that i even contemplated the thought of not being in this world.
每一样与宝宝有关的东西都会让我泪流满面，伤心欲绝。
简直就是哭到我的眼泪已不咸了。
Glad that the confinement lady slept in the nursery room, thus stopped me from going in and started the crying cycle.
Yet when Eben is home, i need to control as I don't want him to feel sad.
当然，在他睡着的时候，泪水的机器就自动启动了。
夜里也是最难熬过的。
After such, i told myself, if even i'm pregnant, i will not tell anyone, not even family.
No one except God.
In fact, to consider if I want to tell Eben as well.
Friends reading this, just read with 平常心。
These thoughts are what i have been thinking previously, not now.
So please don't go and be alarmed and called/messaged me and ask if i'm okay.
I won't say whether Im okay or not. As i myself won't know when will be considered as okay.
Can only say, time will heal (till when i won't know), but memory will stay ... forever ...
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