Heartache
Was reading one blog, whom like us, had three angels in heaven.
The similarity is simply, too similar that it brings out the pain, the tears, the longings all over again.
To carry only to lose 3 children in a span of A year, is a painful and devastating experience, not to mention, conceiving them through IVF treatments.
The daily jabs, to stimulate more eggs, the diet to help to increase number of eggs and such.
My first pregnancy (my 2nd fresh), i had tried to enjoy pregnancy, the way i see other pregnant ladies do, working, eating, light exercising etc.
But my body failed me... I lost Sarah. As i had gave birth to her at week22, it was termed as "miscarriage".
What a joke, isn't it? She was born breathing.. Just because she had not reach the week of viability (aka week24), no resuscitation can be made for her.
I can't take her loss... the wound was simply too raw.
Then, in a bid to hide/bury/cover the raw wound, we went for our 3rd fresh IVF treatment in May 2015.
By grace of God, we conceived twins!
Restoration...
We were elated, and we were careful.
I took leave off work, utilised all the hospitalisation leave, own leaves, unpaid leave, to be home and rest (relieve off the stress @ work) and to bake them to full-term.
My daily prayer is always the same, pray for a healthy body and healthy babies and to hold them to full term.
But my body failed me once again...
Sammi born stillborn, Samuel fought for 38 hours before he left us as well.
Do you know in Singapore, still-birth don't warrant to have a birth certificate and death certificate?
Thus now by Singapore law, we only have #1 child, Samuel.
When in actual fact, we have 3 lovely children...
When i was reading the blog (mentioned above), seems KKH ward44-14 is meant for parents like us.
Parents whom had gave birth but no babies to bring home to.
It allowed our spouse to stay to accompany us, knowing we need all the solitary and alone-time.
I've stayed at this ward for two times, one for Sarah, one for Sammi & Samuel.
Previously, we hope to get pregnant asap, to help sooth the pain after the losing Sarah, but now...
I already do not know what i'm thinking, or what i want.
Being too normal, sounds frightening?
A sister from church shared with me, when not knowing what to think or feel, listen to this song (Turn your eyes upon Jesus) to sooth our inner soul...
One natural birth, one cesarean birth.
This time round, i had a long scar, to remind me of their birth, in a physical way.
Though the wound will heal, the physical pain will tamper off, but the heartache, will forever linger.
Till we meet again in heaven, my 3 angels.. Soon...
The similarity is simply, too similar that it brings out the pain, the tears, the longings all over again.
To carry only to lose 3 children in a span of A year, is a painful and devastating experience, not to mention, conceiving them through IVF treatments.
The daily jabs, to stimulate more eggs, the diet to help to increase number of eggs and such.
My first pregnancy (my 2nd fresh), i had tried to enjoy pregnancy, the way i see other pregnant ladies do, working, eating, light exercising etc.
But my body failed me... I lost Sarah. As i had gave birth to her at week22, it was termed as "miscarriage".
What a joke, isn't it? She was born breathing.. Just because she had not reach the week of viability (aka week24), no resuscitation can be made for her.
I can't take her loss... the wound was simply too raw.
Then, in a bid to hide/bury/cover the raw wound, we went for our 3rd fresh IVF treatment in May 2015.
By grace of God, we conceived twins!
Restoration...
We were elated, and we were careful.
I took leave off work, utilised all the hospitalisation leave, own leaves, unpaid leave, to be home and rest (relieve off the stress @ work) and to bake them to full-term.
My daily prayer is always the same, pray for a healthy body and healthy babies and to hold them to full term.
But my body failed me once again...
Sammi born stillborn, Samuel fought for 38 hours before he left us as well.
Do you know in Singapore, still-birth don't warrant to have a birth certificate and death certificate?
Thus now by Singapore law, we only have #1 child, Samuel.
When in actual fact, we have 3 lovely children...
When i was reading the blog (mentioned above), seems KKH ward44-14 is meant for parents like us.
Parents whom had gave birth but no babies to bring home to.
It allowed our spouse to stay to accompany us, knowing we need all the solitary and alone-time.
I've stayed at this ward for two times, one for Sarah, one for Sammi & Samuel.
Previously, we hope to get pregnant asap, to help sooth the pain after the losing Sarah, but now...
I already do not know what i'm thinking, or what i want.
Being too normal, sounds frightening?
A sister from church shared with me, when not knowing what to think or feel, listen to this song (Turn your eyes upon Jesus) to sooth our inner soul...
One natural birth, one cesarean birth.
This time round, i had a long scar, to remind me of their birth, in a physical way.
Though the wound will heal, the physical pain will tamper off, but the heartache, will forever linger.
Till we meet again in heaven, my 3 angels.. Soon...
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